Life has been a roller coaster for me the last couple of months. I was doing great following the whole food plant based diet. My symptoms were basically gone and I felt so hopeful for the future. BUT all of a sudden I was hit with a nasty virus of some sort. It was what seemed like a bad cold that lasted 3 weeks and it wiped me out big time. It caused me to have an awful sinus infection that I decided to take antibiotics for because I was desperate for relief. I was losing my mind from the lack of sleep and feeling so sick for such a long period of time. The medication that I took for the sinus infection wiped my gut big time and my Crohn's flair was at its peak. I was in so much pain, constant trips to the bathroom, with blood in my stool. I was soooo lethargic, nauseated, and my arthritis was starting to hit. I was barely eating and when I did, it was green smoothies and rice. Then my erythema nodosum came back. It started getting painful and I just couldn't understand why my body was so sick when I had been doing so well and I had overcome these symptoms already before.
It hit me that I reached my 6 month mark since my last infusion which means at that point there was no more trace of Remicade in my body to help me. Then I thought that apparently my body isn't capable of sustaining good health without the help of meds. I am never able to maintain my health and stay in remission for longer than 6 months or so at a time. I felt so discouraged. So much so that I spent the night of my birthday, on the floor in my bathroom, just crying. I cried so hard feeling so frustrated that I seem to keep failing at something that must not be meant for me. I cried because I was tired. Tired of fighting. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I cried because I was humbled. Humbled in learning that it is okay for me to choose medications for help. It is okay to consider a drug as a blessing from God rather than thinking that God is disappointed in me. I wanted so badly to manage with diet and did all that I could hoping that it was enough and that God would grant me a med free life. I cried because I surrendered. I surrender here on out and am choosing to have the help of Remicade along with diet to be my life long solution.
I need a stable solution. My daughter needs a dependable mom, who can take care of her and has the energy to play with her and be present in her life. My husband needs a wife who can take care of herself as well as the home and who can be there as a support, not a stress. I need to be able to have more children and raise a family, with a happy outlook and lively attitude. I can't keep fighting and dragging my family into my roller coaster of health. It just isn't healthy for me physically or emotionally.
I know that following the Word of Wisdom and eating a whole food plant based lifestyle will help me stay as healthy as I can be and allow the Remicade to be able to help me the rest of my life. I am ready to plan for the future, to be able to have children without fear of sickness. I am ready to live life without the added pressure and stress of my health. I am ready to live life, happy to be alive, happy to have meds that can help me, and happy to have the knowledge of healthy eating. All of it is scary and I tend to fear the worst. It is my downfall. I am tired of having fear. I pray every day from here on out that I can let go of the fear and allow myself to have faith in this journey. God is in control.
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