A Change of Plans

I sit here at my laptop, trying to think of how to write this post. I am at loss for words as to how to express my feelings thus far in my journey called life. I am trying not to be embarrassed being that I have failed in a way to uphold a lifestyle that I have such a strong testimony of. I still believe in it and believe it is what people should apply to their lives but life can be so confusing. To want something so bad, something so good, just to be told time and time again that it isn't possible for you. It is defeating and frustrating. I am referring to my health at this time although these concepts can apply to almost anything. I tried my hardest to help heal myself with broth and collagen and gelatin and leaky gut supplements and probiotics/prebiotics and changing my diet, eliminating almost everything under the sun. What happened, I got even sicker?? I mean seriously, I wanted so badly for my Heavenly Father to help me through. I was doing everything I could and I was just waiting for Him to do the rest. I practiced faith like I had never practiced faith before. How could something so natural and healthy not be able to turn my health around? I got stubborn. I wondered if I just needed to practice more patience. Was I being tested of my diligence? One day at a time, every meal or snack became a huge choice. This lifestyle consumed me. It was all I could think about/ stress about. As well as having a 4 month old who I was nursing, I worried I wasn't getting enough calories to support my milk supply. I was tired, sick, and stressed. Then I began to realize that maybe my faith was in the wrong thing. I had faith that my Heavenly Father could give me what I wanted when rather, I needed to have faith in what my Heavenly Father wanted for me. Of course I believe that I can be healed...but can I accept a life of not being healed? The time came where of course, I was so sick that I was risking not being able to function as a mom. I couldn't do that to my daughter or even to my husband. I needed to get over my ideal life and accept the one that was in front of me. I needed to discuss medication again. I have cried many tears through this process of accepting this plan for me. I am starting to feel more confidence with the decision...do I wish my daughter didn't have to nurse from a mom with medications in her system? OF COURSE. I feel so guilty for this. But I am trying to not be so hard on myself. Heavenly Father is in charge and because of that, I need to choose to be happy and understand that medications are a blessing for me. They really will help me and help me be the best mom and wife I can be. I can't be hard on myself any longer. Am I still going to eat healthy? Most definitely. But I am choosing to no longer wonder, Why me? Why can't I be one of those people who can be healthy through diet? From now on, I am going to be grateful for my journey, the things I have learned, and accepting that this is my plan.